Soggy

It's monsoon season. Water has been falling from the sky at varying degrees of nonstop for the last three days. The sky is grey and is so thick with clouds that it feels like 6pm all day long. I must say, that as a native Northwesterner, I could not be happier with this kind of weather. The downside is that the resulting humidity in the air has left everything in the house, including myself, with a constant feeling of "slightly damp." Not to mention, the downpour does get pretty loud at night when I'm trying to sleep. In fact, last time I took the dog for a walk, it was coming down hard enough for me to actually begin rethinking my "Umbrellas are for wimps" philosophy.

Brave New Home

I live in a very high class little community. The name of the place is pronounced something like "ky-anne." It's a resort area with brick driveways, condos, 4-star resturaunts, tennis courts, and a very prevolent golf course. The fact that this is a place meant mainly for golfers is made very clear by the gigantic ceramic golf ball in the middle of the road.



So, you must be asking yourself "How'd they let a guy like him in there?"

Simple, there are three very strict processes in order to be allowed into a high-class place such as this; 1) Show proof of income in excess of 4 times the rental agreement cost, 2) Personal invite from an already established resident, or 3) be white.

I think the one thing about the place that really got me laughing was not just that they have speakers hiding in bushes all over the complex, pumping out Easy Listening music all day...it's that on the day I arrived, they were playing a stomache churningly bad, elevator-music style version of Auld Lang Syne.

A Tip...

Don't tip your waiter in China.

Shocking thing to hear me say, I know. But it's true.

Today, the gang and I had lunch at a very nice little cafe called Cornfield Coffee. That odd little misuse of english was only the begining. The menu listed their Fruit Juices as "Fish Juices," and on the coffee menu they offered a "Pot of Coffee With Cock." We spent about five minutes trying to guess what they really meant by that before theorizing the possibility that it was not a mistake, and what horrors that would entail.

Well, after moving off of the entertainment that was self-contained in the menu, we were repeatedly delighted by the quality of service, presentation, and attitude among the staff. The place was marginally full, but we never had to wait long for a single thing. Coffee cups, soda glasses, and water glasses were refilled before we even realized they were empty. The food arrived within minutes and was of a quality that I had never even dreamed of in my life. The coup de gras was a dish of Pork Chop Fried Rice wrapped in Lotus Leaf. An expensive dish at 60 Yuan (about 8 Dollars), but worth every jiao(dime).

At the end of the meal, we paid up the bill and prepared to leave. I noticed that we weren't leaving a tip. I asked my hosts what the heck the deal was. They explained to me that in China, leaving a tip is not considered a reward, it's considered charity. And, offering someone charity is an insult.

Look at it this way, when you say "Thank you" to someone in China, they're way of saying "Your welcome" translates literally to "It is my duty." In China, your job, no matter how menial, is your duty to your country and your people. They take pride in their job and their role in making China a great place for Chinese people to live. When you give someone a tip, it is seen as a way of telling them "You need this more than I do, because you're not very good at your job."

This infuriated me. It's not that I'm mad that I can't waste money on overtipping like I did back in The States. It's that here, I don't know any other way to show my appreciation. I don't know enough Chinese yet to wax poetic on the talent and skill of the girl that brought me my chopsticks. They aren't very big on touching here either, so handshakes and hugs are also out of the question. How else am I to display my gratitude if I can't leave a gratuity?

So, as soon as I got home, I began looking up translations for phrases like "Excellent," "The Best," and "Better Than Sex."

Not that any of it will do me any good since I'm currently residing in a town with a notoriously obscure dialect.

First Impressions

I arrived in Guanzhou after a 16+ hour flight. I was bit nervous as I approached customs. As the plane landed, the stewardesses handed us all little declaration cards that listed off all of the items that were not allowed past the international border.

Of course, I wasn't at all worried until I got to the part about "literary or visual material that is considered detrimental to the social, political, or ecinomic stability of The People's Republic." Loosly translates to "anything we don't like, white boy." That was when I remembered the book on Krishna I had gotten from the missionary at the airport. I had accepted it because I had always been a little curious about what these dancing bald weirdos were about. And now, I'm bringing religious literature into a country that has become famous for it's anti-religous standing. Brilliant. And no one on the plane will tell me what the cantonese word for "agnostic" is. So, yes, I'm a bit worried now.

Then it occurs to me, I'm also carrying a copy of "The Four Noble Truths" by the Dahli Lama. Now I'm really worried.

So, I do the only rational thing I can think of. I calmy check the box next to "Nothing To Declare."

After the plane landed, I handed the card to the customs official who simply nods and waves me through. No big deal. I was worried over nothing.

Once on Chinese soil I am instantly surrounded by a bunch of young chinese men who use broken english to try and sell me phone cards, used cell phones, taxi rides, guided tours, etc. I wave them all off and make my way to the spot Andy told me to meet him at.

As I waited for Andy, I couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of people staring at me. A couple of cops walked by and gave me the eyeball, but they didn't bother me. The most reaction I got was from the children. As small children passed me by, they would stare at me like I had antlers growing out of my head. The ones that were old enough to talk would point at me and jabber something at their parents.

Once Andy met up with me, we took a bus ride from Guangzhou to my new home in Zhongshan. We caught up on all the latest personal news, and then moved on to national news. As I'm sure you've guessed, the news about China as heard in the US is different from the news heard inside China's borders. As I told him about the talks between Bush and the President of China concerning the economy of China, Andy laughted and told me that China would never open up to full world trade.

I asked him to elaborate.

As the bus made it's way through downtown Guangzhou, Andy pointed out a large building to me in the distance. "Perfect example," he says, "Take a look at that building there."

I look it over. The archetecture is bold and beutiful, but it is obviously unfinished. The sky-high crane stood at attention next to the building.

"What about it?" I ask.

"They started on that building about two years ago. The development company took out a loan from the Bank Of China for 500 million U.S. dollars. They got this far in the building before the manager in charge of money went down to Macau and gambled the entire budget away. After that, he went to the top of the building and jumped. Now, there's no money to finish it and the Bank Of China will not sell it."

"Why not?"

"If they try to sell it, or finish the building, or do anything at all with that building, it will require a re-appraisal. Currently, the value of that building is on record as $500 million. If anyone touches that building, it would come out as being worth less, and the bank loses it's value on the loan. So long as the recorded value of that building stays at $500 million, the Bank of China gets to mark it as such in their holdings. The entire chinese economy is based on the Bank of China. There are dozens of buildings like that in Guangzhou. Thousands in all of China. If the WTO ever comes through here, China's economy will implode."

Here's the funny thing, this is exactly what Enron did. They would set up a project, like an oil refinery in India, and place it's value at not only it's basic real estate and equipment value, but also at the estimated amount of profit that it is suppose to make within the next ten years. Then, when unforseen problems arise, such as a radical change in India's government, they abandon the unfinished refinary, and keep it's over inflated value on the books as a "holding."

The difference; Enron got caught and had to pay the piper. China answers to no one. And so long as they continue dancing around the international trade subject with everyone else in the world, they never will.

This is my new home. I'm tickled pink.