Inside The Red Menace

The End

2008-04-23T22:54:00.003+08:00

I'm out. I'm done. No more.

And man, was it ever boring.

Two years here and so little to show for it, literary wise, that is. No real great adventure stories or culture clashing anecdotes of any real note. It was just another place, at another time. My experience in living with the Southern Chinese cannot be illustrated with one or two specific stories. It was not an event, as much as a chapter.

It was not a zany adventure. It was a day at work.

I did not give myself the opportunity to see the Great Wall or any of the other eventful things that people usually do when visiting a foreign country. That is because I wasn't visiting there, I was living there. It was all just one more day at the office for me. If I'd had a crapload of money and free time, sure I would have traveled all around, met new and interesting people and places and had oh so many adventures to tell of lost luggage and language barriers...but I didn't. I was too busy making sure I could pay my rent to go backpacking like a lost child.

And, as for the cultural stories, they are more frustrating and confusing then at all entertaining, so I've skipped over them. China is in this odd little place of transition where they are trying to find their own comfort zone between the new influx of Western Influence and the still well-beaten-into-them Mao's China Culture. These growing pains are slow and painful to watch in places like Guangdong, the Alabama of Asia. Understanding it is something that cannot be relayed easily. It something that must be experienced firsthand. Or, rather, having experienced it firsthand for the last two years, I advise that attempting to understand it should be avoided. It will bring you nothing but grief.

So, this blog is coming to a close with out any real value put to it after all. That's okay. While I have no "stories" per se to tell about China, I still gained an "overall" experience that has given me more understanding of human nature and world culture. It's not such a cracking good read now, but it will add more to any future observations that I put into print. That's got to be worth something.

The End.

Southern Discomfort

2008-02-11T17:23:00.001+08:00

Before I came here, I decided to break away from American tradition, and I tried to find the place on a map. Much to my surprise I found that the city (I use the term loosely) of Zhongshan lies only a few miles south of the Tropic of Cancer.

"Fantastic" I thought, "tender warmth all year round." At the time, I was suffering through a classic Chicago winter, and this seemed like bliss to me.

Boy howdy, was I wrong. It is freakin' cold here.

However, it seems that I was not the only one duped into expecting mild weather here all year round. As it seems, the sharp cold that has taken place during my two winters here has even caught the locals off guard.

The buildings here have no insulation and no weather proofing. Every structure is a solid concrete bunker with drafty doors and windows and absolutely no carpeting anywhere to be seen. (God help these people if an earthquake hits. They still live under the illusion that the brute strength of concrete is preferable to the tensile flexibility of wood and plaster.)

This latest cold snap came late in the year, with an extended autumn so mild that one could still be comfortable in a t-shirt and shorts well into December. The overall temperature dropped so far so fast that my girlfriend's family has already reported three deaths over the last month.

But, that of course is no match for the National Pride of the unwashed masses(and trust me, they are unwashed). The local news, while admitting to the intense cold, is stating that it's is only a record cold for the last couple years. Meanwhile, my girlfriend's father can state with clear confidence that it's been at least 20 years (if not longer) since he's seen it this bad.

And, when the New Year celebrations began, I watched from my balcony as thousands of locals huddled together on the soccer field across from me to watch the fireworks go off. I don't know which was funnier, the fact that it was so cold the crowd couldn't even get out a proper "Ooh, aah," or that the fireworks were set off so low to the ground that the concussion set off every car alarm in a 6 block radius.

So, what is the deal? Is it just one of those things where once every couple of decades or so the planet has to do some climate defraging? Or does it have something to do with the fact that the Chinese have been clear cutting forests, leveling mountains, and pumping god knows what into the air from their hundreds of thousands of God Knows What factories for the last ten years straight?

I don't have the answers, all I know is I'm not coming out from under this blanket until I hear birds chirping; and that's final.

Check me out....(Part 3)

2008-01-17T16:24:00.001+08:00

China's Best Kept Secret

2008-01-14T12:27:00.000+08:00

Imagine, if you will, that it is the year 1849 and you have packed up all your worldly belongings and made the death-defying trek out west. You did this, like so many others before you (and many more to follow), because you heard that they found gold there. And since thing's aren't going to hot for you in the Carolina's, you figured it was worth the chance.

Now imagine that once you arrive, you find out that the California Government already has all the gold, they're only sharing it with their friends, and (most importantly) they're lying about how much gold there is.

Most of this is not at all surprising. After all, that is what governments do. They establish their power under the guise of "helping society" then, once they have won society's trust, systematically put operations in place to make sure society never gets the chance to change it's mind.

The latest illustration of that constantly repeating history has just come to light here in China. I'll get to that in a moment.

You see, things like that aren't really a big deal. If you're smart enough, you can work around any governmental roadblock. Again with my '49er's metaphor; the people who made the most of their lives back then weren't the prospectors themselves; but all the people who set up taverns, supply shops, and whorehouses in the central prospecting townships.

That was what I came here to do. I never had any interest in doing business with China, I just came here to take advantage of it's newly booming economy to jump start my own interests that were transmutable in any locale. The moment I touched down, I discovered just how non-existent that economy was.

Now, it didn't worry me at that time. Just as in California, as long as nobody else found out how big the lie was, I could still ride the wave. Even though things weren't so hot for the locals, there was more than enough pass-through economy to take advantage of. Not to mention, all those "friends" of the government that were getting a share in whatever good was coming from all this, would love to do business with an exotic white boy like me. All I had to do was find them and introduce myself.

Well, time's up. The World Trade Organization finally did their homework.

China's economy is 40% Smaller than everyone thought. There is no gold here. There isn't even any copper. I may as well be living in Mexico.

So, the FrogFaith gang and I held a meeting. After much deliberation, it has been decided that China is finished. The Fake Gold Rush is over. Now that everyone knows there is no gold here, there's no point in keeping our whorehouse open.

Not to say that we're giving up; No, no, no. Never give up. Never Surrender.

China still has it's value. It's just a matter of resetting our game plan. Finding a new market to cater to, and using our low-low Chinese overhead to our advantage. We have business connections in Los Angeles, Chicago, and Scotland that we are currently tapping.

But, we are definitely getting the heck out of here. It may be a few months before we get out, and we're not yet sure where we will go when we do. We've already been at this too long to hit the Reset button again, so we'll be working at somehow making a smooth transition of some kind. Preferably back to The States, but Europe is not out of the question.

It's funny. Looking back at this blog, I really thought I would have more to say about my two years here. Cultural quirks, travel adventures, anecdotes of local color.

I guess that's the big secret. There really isn't anything that special about China. It sucks here too.

TTFN

Check me out....(Part 2)

2007-11-15T10:04:00.000+08:00

Well, I finally got the pictures from my last photo shoot. These were massively delayed on account that the company decided to change their logo after the pictures were taken, so the photolab had to work some PhotoShop magic on all the shirts I wore.

While the last shoot I did was for a catalog that wanted to disguise itself as a High-end fashion magazine, this shoot was for a more direct catalog approach.

And behold...I have grown hair upon my face...

The "Post" Post

2007-10-20T05:44:00.000+08:00

I have finally worked out the whole "mailing address" thing. I can't for the life of me figure out how any of my neighbors get their mail. As far as I can tell there is no mailbox for this building.

So, with permission from the English school I'm currently part-timing for, you may send me post there. Below is a label you can save and print out to paste to any letters, postcards, parcels, etc you wish to send me.

A year and a half later, I finally have a mailing address. I am really getting it together out here, aren't I?

Check me out....

2007-09-14T17:44:00.000+08:00

I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I've been doing a little modeling here and there. Yeah, me...a model. Go figure.

Anyway. One of the magazine's I shot for just published. Here is what I looked like about 2 months ago.

In just a couple days, I should have more pictures from a catalog I shot for last week. Prepare yourself. There's been a bit of a change.

Creative Differences

2007-08-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

The breaking point was finally hit.

You see, as I'm sure you've all been wondering, there is a reason why with all the time we have spent working with our new Chinese partners, there has been only one "finished product" which looks suspiciously nothing like the production photos shown earlier.

The reason is very simple. It is the same reason why 80% of all products exported from China is returned for being defective.

A complete and total lack of long-term thinking, and a drive for quantity over quality.

We've actually made close to a dozen videos for these people. And because of their push to put them out faster, faster, faster...each and every one of them is embarrassingly bad. Three of them, we told them to not tell anyone that we made them.

They insisted that we were fools, and that we just didn't understand the Chinese market.

Then when their customers and audience told them the same things we told them ("they're bad"), they would yell at us for being unprofessional.

Well, it's over now. The contract has been disolved, as has been Year Of The Frog (Wa Nian) Film. We're back to just being the FrogFaith gang.

It's a relief like you wouldn't believe. They were pulling power plays to prevent us from getting any other work outside of their influence. That's over now. We're pretending we don't know each other.

We've already started talks with a Trading Company that wants to produce a series of infomercials (won't go anywhere, because I don't think they have any money - But it's always about networking), and a couple of Italian guys who proxy manage a factory, and have been given a budget to produce local advertising with (gotta love "Other People's Money").

And so, as the song goes; "I get knocked down but I get up again. You never gonna keep me down. Don't cry for me, next door neighbor." I don't know what that last part means, but I'm sure it's very deep. Maybe I should've gone with "the roof is on fire."

Oh well, 'till next time.

TTFN

Thousands of words, not saying much.

2007-06-16T17:13:00.001+08:00

The Finished Product...

2007-05-12T01:04:00.000+08:00

.....Oy.

A Snapshot Of Local Color

2007-05-08T21:52:00.000+08:00

click for full size (over 1M)

Year Of The Frog

2007-03-24T05:13:00.000+08:00

It's official. We've forged a partnership with a production company here in Zhongshan, forming a whole new company.

Wan Ian ("Year Of The Frog" in English) Film Company is the newly formed partnership company between our two independent production companies. I just got the first draft of our new website online, and I'm going to be spending the next few days uploading the rest of the pages along with it's eventual Chinese translation.

General acts of celebration (jumping for joy, et. al.) would usually follow a forward step of this magnitude. However, the gang and I are still taking this whole thing with a grain of salt. We've learned enough about the general overmind of the New China culture to poke at our new friends with the right kinds of needles to see which social allergens he reacts too.

As expected, while his company has a long-standing history in producing public stage events, and they also seem to share in our vision of "taking over" the China market with Andy's heretofore unseen talent in CGI, the simple sad fact that we have learned in the last two months of working with these people is that they have absolutely no idea what they're doing.

Our first project being a music video to help jump-start the music career of our new partner's trophy wife, we actually had to explain to them the idea of lip-syncing during filming in order to better match her to intended music track. This can't possibly be just a basic Chinese misunderstanding...I've watched TV here, they've got Music Videos and seem to have a pretty decent handle on the basics. But our new partner literally had no clue.

Normally not a problem. Just the usually confident "we'll take it from here" gesture has always worked for us in the past. However, Zhanghe is Chinese. This means he has some sort of weird Old China Caste System based pride that makes him think he should be the expert and, ergo, boss.

While it is a very open and inviting door of opportunity we have chosen to step through, we do so with reservation, caution, and lowered expectations. This may not last long, or it could be the answer to everything. At this point, the odds are 50/50.

Everyone cross your fingers, pray, slaughter the fatted calf, what have you.

TTFN

Problems

2007-03-16T00:01:00.000+08:00

Internet problems. Computer problems. Social problems. Language problems. Relationship problems. Gastrointestinal problems. Clothing problems. Transportation problems. People problems.

Why is it, just as everything is about to go right, so many things start to go wrong. It's not that things are becoming impossible. Just as one thing starts to work out, a thousand outside forces start to make it almost impossible to focus on the one good thing.

It happens to me every time. Did I kill someone in a past life?

I'd go into detail and wax philosophical more, but I've got work to do.

Cross your fingers, everyone.

TTFN

Busy Boy

2007-02-21T01:18:00.000+08:00

Well, I'm a step closer. I came to China to establish an entertainment career in a place with a slightly more climatizable economy. It took quite a while, but not nearly as long as it was taking in The States.

Last month, we were introduced to Zhang He, a businessman with government connections, a taste for the entertainment industry, a pop-singer wife, and absolutely no idea how they did A Scanner Darkly.

Coincidentally, we had just seen Scanner Darkly and our cheif complaint was the total lack of artistry or style to go along with the "revolutionary" real-life-to-animation technique they'd used (the script kinda sucked, too). So, Andrew got it under his skin that he could improve upon the technique, and give it a little class while he was at it.

Not only did he succeed in adding artistry to the technology, but he also added efficiency to it. It took the makers of Scanner Darkly 2 years to lay down their effects using the highest end technology available from the "geniuses" at Microsoft. Andy used his new technique to stylize a whole Jackie Chan video in just under two weeks. If he'd had the same hardware that those guys had, he'd have been able to do it in a day.

My theory is, the bigshots are spending millions on Programmers to figure out the problem, and not one damn artist.

Needless to say, when our new demo CD circulated around town, it landed in the hands of a man that was wanting to make a new music video for his wife with just that effect to it. Only problem is, not a damn soul in China knows how to use a computer past the "what's this button do?" stage.

So, we got the job. Our rent is paid, our utilities are paid, and we haven't eaten this consistently well in years. After a month of batting various ideas around, the music video turned into a half-hour short film, slathered with musical montages a la Karaoke Video. Last week was spent furiously filming all of the necassary footage before all of China went on vacation for the New Year. I haven't worked this hard since the last time I did Harvest with dad.

But, we got the footage and spent New Year crumpled in a small heap as the fireworks went off around us. We are now in the editing phase, a slightly less grueling process, though more time consuming. We edit together small clips of scenes, then sit and watch tv for a couple of hours while we wait for the computer to process the CGI.

Here are some highlights:

Andy, as our intrepid Director/CGI Expert/Cinematographer

They didn't have my color, so they had to put makup on my hands to match my face.

My new girlfriend, Sue, and I relaxing between takes.

Prepping for a "big date" at our favorite coffee shop, Store Cafe.

At dinner with our new producer, I was talked into trying Chicken Feet. Tastes like chicken.

The things that boy will do to get the right shot...

The Principal Crew

Living In Hell

2007-01-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

A few months before I moved to China, I was working the overnight shift at the hotel. I had taken one of newspapers for my daily crossword (strictly against company policy), and came across an article about the General Manager of some other 5-Star hotel in Chicago, who lived on site in a Manager's Suite on the top floor of the building. He even had his wife and kids living there with him.

I remember reading that and thinking, "That must be hell." As a long-time hotel worker I'm well aware of the ungodly sh*t-storm that can take place at a hotel at any time of the day. I also know how every single person on staff loves to clock out at the end of the shift and then put as much distance between us and the offending building as possible. Even the top management of my hotels always had big grins on their faces as they made their way out the door at 5 PM, fiercely reiterating that they are not to be called at home unless the building were on fire. And even then, wait till the fire is already out before waking them up.

However, this poor guy was living on property. He had nowhere to run at the end of the day. Sure, it's probably a great treat to be able to order Room Service any day of the week that you don't feel like cooking. Especially if, as is the common General Manager's perks go, you can sign off that Room Service for free. But that also means that any time you have a Night Auditor (like myself) who refuses to handle the third blood-covered, cocaine-addled Foreign Dignitary that year by himself, you will get that phone call. After all, he knows that you live only an elevator ride away rather than a two hour drive like all the other General Managers in town.

I bring this up because I recently had the opportunity to visit a real live Chinese Factory. That's right, I got to bear witness a sample of the great Economic Equalizer that has the whole world a-buzzin'.

The factory in question made office furniture. The first floor was a wide-open space where the workers did their thing. The second floor held the business offices for the factory. The third floor was the Dorm. The entire staff of the factory, save for a couple of members of higher management, lived at the factory.

Now, when you look at this at an economic standpoint, this is gracious as all get out of the company to pay for the housing of their employees. A suggestion that would be met with guffaws and knee slaps by American business managers. And, while it would not be desirable by American workers, Chinese laborers who commonly work outside their home town to send money back home, this is an ideal set-up. It's like going off to college, except you're earning money and you don't learn anything other than "don't go barefoot over by the big blue machine with all the dials on it."

But to the outside observer (me), it was a living nightmare. To be forced to spend every moment of your free time on the same property as your work time sounds like a good reason to start getting my fingers just a little too close to the buzz saw.

I get why it works for the Chinese. I also get how it's contributed to China's suddenly pubescent economy. But it's one of those little moments that make me glad to be a guelo.

TTFN

"Can you hear me now?"

2006-12-29T01:43:00.000+08:00

There was an earthquake in Taiwan a couple of nights ago. We barely felt it here in Zhongshan. We were all in the office, working on respective projects, when I suddenly felt a little vertigo.

I turned to Sienna, "Is it just me, or is the building shaking?" I asked.

She waited for a moment, "Yeah it is," she said.

"Uh oh, it's an earthquake" Andy said, facicously. "We better start running around in cirlcles."

"You do that," I said, "I'll light the furnature on fire and push it over the balcony."

We had just complained to the landlord of a clogged drain, and we assumed that the rocking of the building was due to the building crew having it out with the underground pipes. It was an easy mistake, as we all knew China still had a lot to learn about architechture, engineering, and foundations (and plumbing).

Over the next few hours, though, I noticed the internet was acting funny. And when I say "acting funny," what I mean is "not there."

I didn't worry about it all that much. Our computers are ad hoc constructs of factory rejected parts that have been Frankensteined together by Andy and his McGuyver-like prowess with chewing gum and lotus leaves. So, when something goes ker-flunky, it's usually just a matter of waiting a few minutes, maybe hitting a reset button or two, and everything will be back to "normal" eventually.

But, the problem persisted. Until we noticed two things; A) Chinese websites were loading perfectly, and b) Google.com was loading perfectly. Everything else was coming up as "connection timed out" or "server reset," which usually means "Censored by China."

So, now we're starting to panic a bit. We tried a dozen web sites. Nothing. We started making up .com names that we new had to be out there, like "dirtbusters.com" or "freelegaladivice.com" and the like. Still nothing.

"Oh my god," I said, "They finally done it, they've censored the world." This assumtion was an easy leap from the news I had heard the day before: China has declared their meteorlogical data as a matter of national security. Meaning, anyone that gives information on China's climate changes to anyone outside China get's the privilage of serving the people at a Re-Education Camp. (By the way, it's getting a little chilly over here. Can someone send me a sweater?)

But the news finally came through to us; There actually was an earthquake, and it tore apart all of the underwater cables between China and Taiwan, efectively cutting China's international communication pipelines in half.

And now, with half the bandwidth to work with, China Telecom is giving priority to established businesses, putting small businesses and residents in the back of the queue. So, it wasn't that the pages weren't loading, they were just loading so slow that Firefox decided they weren't worth it.

Current estimates are 3-5 days before the cables are repaired. I'm going stir-crazy, because while we're waiting for this to get fixed, I've got no way to read the news, download my podcasts, or even get my daily crossword from Yahoo Games.

And yet, here I am. You're probably wondering how I'm able to update ye olde blog with no access to the outside world. As I mentioned before, Google.com was among the websites that loaded just fine along with the local Chinese websites. And I'm not talking about Google.cn, I mean the good old American Google.COM.

Somehow, (and I'm no 1337 so I've got no way of knowing how it works) Google is the one ".com" that didn't let us down. All hail the great and powerful "Goog." Somebody buy those guys a pizza.

This matters because blogspot.com and blogger.com are both owned by Google, and therefore my only means of communication at this time. My international phone line was VoIP based, and so it is kaput until China and Taiwan start talking to each other again.

TTFN

Tiyu Lu

2006-12-28T02:07:00.000+08:00

Well, the gang and I have moved ourselves from the far-away suburbs of Kai Yin. No more half-hour bus rides into town to get anything done, no more having to worry about getting any snacks or soda before the only store closes at 8pm, no more having to clear any visitors past an impressively gestapo security force. We are now living in Zhongshan proper, smack dab in the middle of downtown. To top it off, we're paying half the rent; 1300 yuan a month, about 200 dollars US.

We now live on the seventh floor of a building on Tiyu Lu, which translates to "Sports Road," named that because we are directly across the street from the Zhongshan People's Sports Center.

View from the front balcony:

I haven't seen much in the way of private gyms here in Zhongshan, probably because of this place. A stadium, a track an feild, several tennis and basketball courts, an indoor workout center, a giant open blacktop for Tai Chi, and even a set of outdoor workout equipment that look like a cross between a Bally's and a gradeschool playground.

I have not yet taken the time to visit this area for two reasons, a) I still feel self conscious when mixing with the locals, as no matter what I am doing they look at me like I'm a monkey trying to use a speak-and-spell, and b) I live on the seventh floor of a building with no elevator.

But, it seems like this is the place to go for any sort of physical training. For instance, every morning at 7am sharp the local People's Security go out into the feild to run drills with their riot gear.

When I first moved here to China, I was a little dissapointed. I had always had an image in my mind as to what life was like here; rustic, minimalized, a nation-wide no-frills community. I didn't get that in Kai Yin, where the towns wealthiest people chose to live. It was almost exactly like living in an American Retirement community in California or Florida. I had become worried that I had missed out on Authentic Chinese Living. The recent opening of Western Trade to China has caused a serious change to China's culture, and I was sure that all things "China" had already taken their leave by the time I had gotten here.

I was wrong. Upon moving into my new room, I discovered that I have my own private balcony that looks out over the allyway behind our building. It looks exactly like the China I had always imagined.

Cityscape

2006-12-05T04:49:00.000+08:00

By popular request, here are some pictures of the city of Zhongshan, as seen from the windows of my office at the school.

Click on the pictures to view them in their high-resolution, smog-filled glory.

It's Good To Be King

2006-10-14T03:33:00.000+08:00

It's remarkable how racism can work in your favor sometimes. Granted, there are quite a few people here that see my presence as an invasion, but most seem to see me as some sort of Rock Star.

Today, while waiting for the bus, a couple walked past me. The girl noticed me early on, and did not even try to hide the fact that she was staring at me. As the two of them got closer, she nudged her boyfriend and pointed me out. Saying something to him with a grin.

He looked at me, and frowned. It was one of those "oh, is that what you want?" kind of moments. Like a wife who notices her husband is a little too interested in the Victora Secret Catalogue. The couple in question seemed to argue about it for the rest of the block, him taking on the "how can you ambarrass me like this?" tone, with her body language suggesting the "come on, baby, you know I love you" defense.

I don't think that it's as much a race issue, as much as it is a coincidental race issue. The most common beauty product I've seen advertised here is skin cream that whitens a woman's skin. For some reason or another, a lighter skin color is more attractive to the Chinese. Consequently, us white folk are inherently gorgeous, and thus reap all of the usual social benefits of being such. (The inverse: Black people are none too popular here.)

Even in a reletively well populated city like Zhongshan, there are still only a handfull of foreigners walking around. So few that I still have people stopping me and asking to pose for pictures, or children exploding into tears at the sight of me.

Every once and a while, I've had a local stand next to me at a bus stop and carry on a conversation the whole time we wait. I make it clear very early on that I don't know what they're saying. And on they talk. They could be giving me the secret codes to China's defense satalites for all I know. The funny part is, when my bus arrives and I get on, they leave. They weren't waiting for the bus. They just wanted to talk to me, whether I understood them or not.

On top of that, I've found that the stereotype concerning anatomical differences between white men and asian men has made it across the ocean. Which is why, pretty much everywhere I go, women fawn all over me and men treat me like the guy who's trying to steal their daughter.

In short; I Rule.

Found In Translation

2006-10-14T03:23:00.000+08:00

I've got Pink-eye. Not a big deal. It's the 4th time in as many years. And, as usual, it's due to my neglegence in proper Contact Lens care. You'd think I'd learn by now.

As I went to class the other day, fully aware that my left eye is very noticably dark red, I explained the situation to my TA who in turn relayed it to my students in Mandarin.

As an added bonus, I wrote "Pink-Eye" on the board. Usefull English, I would imagine. My TA seemed to get a little timid when I did that. She said something to the class, pointing at the "Pink-Eye" on the board, to which they all laughed.

As I learned that day, the Mandarin word for "Asshole" translates litteraly to "Pink Eye." That's probably my new nickname now.

Everyday Use

2006-09-20T23:36:00.000+08:00

For the English class I'm teaching, I've been given a couple of different textbooks for use in better helping my students understand what the heck I'm saying to them. One of those books is an apparent vocabulary text. I don't know exactly what kind of book it is suppose to be, since the entire cover is in Chinese.

The book very simply gives a word in english, followed by it's Chinese translation. Then, a sentence or passage using the word in "common, everyday usage" is directly under it, with the Chinese translation of the passage under that.

Here are a few of my favorites so far:

apartment/flat/unit
They were evicted from their appartment after their mother had become addicted to drugs.

Chinese quadrangle
She grew up in a Chinese quadrangle in a Hutong of Beijing and had a lot of intimate neighbors who spoiled her like a little princess.

bumper cars
Newton's third law of motion comes into play on the bumper cars. It's the law of action-reaction, and it helps to explain why you feel a jolt when you collide with another bumper car.

charger
Please keep a charger far from water.

electric torch
Bringing an electric torch is essential when one is camping out. Sometimes it's a good weapon to protect oneself.

B & B (bed and breakfast)
Prices for bed and breakfast start at $22 per person, rising to $40.50 in the high season. My goodness, I am nearly broke.

twin room
My dad and I booked a twin room when we traveled in Hongkong. However, the room service is actually awsome.

Colosseum
While you can't catch a real-life gladiator death match or chariot battle anymore, the Colosseum is still a great place to visit on your travels through Italy.

family tree
Actually I'll never change my name, since according to my family tree, my should be one. By the way, I like it as well.

cognomen (note: I have never heard this word before in my life.)
Actually I don't think cognomen sounds terrible since they sometimes bring me some good memory of past time.

petite
She was dark and petite, as all his wives had been.

middle finger
Giving someone the middle finger has long been considered a derogatory gesture.

puppet
In my childhood, those puppets were often praised and got candies as encouragement.

Now, I have no idea if these passages were written by Native Chinese or Native English speakers (money is on Chinese, though), but this is nothing like the "Juan is in the boat" garbage I got while learning Spanish.

Passing For Professional

2006-09-15T03:16:00.000+08:00

So, now I'm teaching English classes. The school is new, so the class is small. As of now, I have only 3 students. The goal of the class is not just a general "Hola! Como Estas?" kind of class. My students are bound for University in Austrailia and the UK. In order to be accepted to any of these colleges, they must pass a standardized ESL test. My class is geared specifically to passing that test.

The fact that this is a new school in a competitive market is beginning to show it's colors. Even though I'm a foreigner and only been teaching for a week, I'm already quite sure that the people who run my school have absolutely no clue what they're doing.

For starters, I gave a homework assignment to my students. Afterwards, Athena (a Chinese born teacher that I work closely with) told me that I shouldn't expect them to do the work.

"Why not?" I asked.

"They are lazy boys," shey said to me. "I gave them an assignment yesterday. None of them did it."

"I see," I said. "Well, we'll give them one last chance to do the work that I assign."

"Okay," she says. "What will the punishment be if they do not?"

It seemed like a strange question. "Uh, I assume they paid a tuition for this class, yes?" She nods. "So their punishment is that they do not pass the EILTS test, and have wasted their money."

"Ah," she says. "But if they do not pass the EILTS test, then they will be allowed to take the class again for free."

I wasn't sure I'd heard her correctly, and asked her to repeat herself. No luck, that was what she said.

"Who's idea was this?" I asked.

"I believe it was Judy."

Judy. I hate Judy. Judy tried passing me a contract that had my wage at half what we had agreed upon when I took the job. When I called her on it, she had the gall to tell me that I was not qualified for the origional wage, and that I can have a raise if I get more students into the class within six months.

As I was on my way out the door, middle finger in the air, the vice-principal stopped me and offered me even more money than before.

This chain of events taught me some very important lessons about this school. 1) Judy is an imbicile. 2) For some reason, Judy has been put in charge. 3) Nobody knows why she's in charge, and do their best to work around her. 4) As the only Native English Speaker on staff, I am more valuable than Judy.

All of these reasons put together equal one very important fact: This school will be out-of-business before the end of the year. I'm not saying that I'm not talented, but let's face facts folks, any team that has me as the MVP will not be going to the playoffs that year.

So, as we re-negotiated my contract, I also insisted on being paid every week as opposed to every month. That way, when they go under, I'm not losing out on as much.

Professional

2006-08-29T01:06:00.000+08:00

Purely by chance, I landed my first job as a professional actor in China.

A factory that makes high-tech dentistry chairs was making a training video for their sales staff, and was insistent that the "dentist" and "nurse" be white people. The video's producer resides here in the Kai Yin complex. The producer's wife happen to run into Andrew's dad, who referred her to us. So, the next day, Sienna and I found ourselves taking a car ride to the town of Zhuhai, sandwitched between the coast of the Pearl River and Macau.

I was dressed in a dentist's smock, my hair was tied back, and I was told I required no make-up. Everything I did, from putting on my rubber gloves to taking a sip of coffee seemed to elicit rolls of giggles from the entire staff of the production crew and factory office. I felt a bit like a circuis freak.

The video required no dialogue, hence no requirement that we speak chinese. All I was to do, was go through a series of overly displayed actions that illustrated the features and convenience of the self-contained dentistry examination tool.

After a couple of hours, we broke for lunch. They took us to a seafood resturaunt just accross from the factory.

I found myself wondering, what is it like to have the job of wrestling down a crab and tying it's claws down. Is there, somewhere out there, a battle hardened crab wrestler who still has nightmares about the one that took off a finger as it escaped?

The lunch break lasted longer than the first shooting shift. Sienna and I had to tell them, over and over again, that we did not require a nap. Once the rest of the crew felt sufficiently rested, we returned to the studio to snap still shots for the catalouge.

All was said and done. We were paid our salary (2500 yuan each) in cash, and driven home.

Quite proud of myself, I told Princess all about it. She responded with concern, and asked if I had gotten any signed papers saying I was not responsible for the business practices of the factory. I asked her why such a thing would concern me.

She told me of an occasion, some years ago, where a miracle-grow type fertilizer was advertised all over china as being able to expidite the growing of corn. Most of West China being farm country, the product sold very well. That is, until it was found out by china's farmers to be no good. Apparently, farmers around the country traveled to the Beijing to confront and threaten the life of the actor that was showcased in the commercials for the product. It had gotten so bad, that the gentleman in question chose to fake his death and move to Hong Kong.

At first, I was shocked and appalled at the complete ineptitude of the Chinese Farming Community. Then, I remembered all of the full grown adults that I had met in America that actually beleive Professional Wrestling is real.

It reminded me of a play I once saw many years ago. I don't remember the title of the play, only that it was an odd little argument of Elitism vs. Democracy. In this, a local scientist is trying to get a hot springs resort to close down amid his discovery of the springs toxicity. The local community overrules his demands in light of the commercial benifits the springs bring to the town.

"The people have spoken," they say to him, "and this is a Democracy. In Democracy, majority rules."

"But, isn't that the problem," he responds, "No matter where you go in this world, a majority of the people are stupid."

Shameless Self-Promotion

2006-08-24T02:26:00.000+08:00

The job that facilitated my arrival into China has become all but non-existent. I was employed by a friend's father to teach his Chinese sales staff how to speak English with more proper pronunciation. However, business has not been kind to this little company, and I find myself with less and less to do during the work-week.

Well, I've already arranged a new job. Starting the 1st of September, I'll be an official English Teacher. A local school that specializes in training Chinese Citizen for work in Austrailian owned hotels learned of my long and painful history in the American Hotel Industry, and all but fell over themselves to get me on their faculty. Apparently I've already become the subject of much talk among the other teachers, since I have been offered a large stack of benefits that none of them would ever dream of even asking for.

In the meantime, I'm spending my time at the Home Office, trying to build promotion for FrogFaith, in order to facilitate the gathering of investor money for our movie project.

To start with, I've cut a trailer.

More Exciting is a short film made by the FrogFaith gang just before I joined up with them in Chicago. I had absolutely nothing to do with it's production. But, since we're trying to get the word out on FrogFaith's capabilities, we're making the entire short film (all 30 minutes of Black and White fun) available for free download on our film site.

Considering the size of the file, I volunteered to edit together a "Theatrical Trailer" for the movie, in order to help folks decide if they want to trouble with the download or not.

I'm rather proud of myself, if I do say so.

I just felt like showing off.

Catch

2006-08-18T21:57:00.000+08:00

Well, I know you all figured it was bound to happen sooner or later. I have met a wonderful young Chinese girl, who has managed to wrangle me away from "the single life."

This is Princess. A Zhongshan native and recent college graduate, with a focus on Business Law.

It was all her doing. She set her sights on me and took me down like a 10 Point elk.

Granted, I didn't put up much of a fight.

Eye Ching

2006-08-01T06:30:00.000+08:00

I needed new contact lenses. So, it was time for me to become a part of the Communist Health Care System.

I'd dealt with something similar before. Having been a part of the Oregon Health Plan for many years as a low-income citizen, I had grown acustomed to long waits and teenage "doctors."

How bad could it be, I asked myself.

I borrowed a girl from the office, Jaimie, to act as my guide and translator for this little adventure. She wasn't too excited at the idea of being the Guela Babysitter for a day, but work has been slow at the office and I think she was just a little thankfull to actually have something to do.

Not to mention that I had actually gone a week with no lenses at all, since I accidentally left my glasses in The States. So, she was almost literally leading me around by the hand.

We took the bus into town, and a taxi from the bus stop to the medical center. The first thing I noticed was the seriously cool looking tree at the front gate.

"You just took a picture of a tree," she says to me. I couldn't tell if she was grinning or frowning.

"Yeah," I say, "It's cool."

"Hai ya," she said. As far as I can tell, that's the Chinese equivalent of saying "Jesus Christ" in disbeleif.

"We don't have trees like that in America," I say. I put on my favorite "I know I'm a dork, and that's your problem" smile.

She shrugged (or twitched) and led me to the main entrance.

Just inside the main door, there was a podium where two nurses stood. They wore light blue nurses uniforms that looked like they came from a cheap halloween store. Jaimie wouldn't let me take a picture of them.

A quick conversation between Jaimie and the nurses, and she led me to the proper line to stand in.

Ah, I thought, just like mother russia.

Much to my surprise, the line moved very quickly, and within 2 minutes I was signing my name to a peice of paper. The rest of the form was in Chinese, and Jaimie filled it out for me. For all I know, I had just made Jaimie the executor to my living will.

Moments later, I was given a card with number on it. This was my new Chinese Medical Card. With this, every state hospital in the country would be able to pull up my medical history. I was floored. When I did this back in Oregon, it took over a month.

Then, we got into another line. I don't know what this one was for but when we got to the front, I signed another peice of paper. This one probably gave Jaimie the rights to my kidneys.

Finally, we went upstairs to the optometry department. When Jaimie told the receptionist that I was here for an eye exam, the receptionist actually looked shocked that we were talking to her. There was some back and forth before Jaimie finally said, "I guess we just go back there and find a doctor that is free."

You're kidding me, right?

We wandered back into the doctors' offices and found one that wasn't busy. There was more conversation between Jaimie and the doctor, until he finally turned to me.

"You want to know the level of your myopia?"

Myopia? This guy knew more English than me.

"Uh, yeah," was all I said.

He nodded, took my card, and typed away at his computer for a moment. When he was done, he turned to Jaimie.

"He says to go back downstairs and pay," she told me, "then come back up for your exam."

And so, back downstairs we went. Back in line. Threw down about 40 yuan. Then, back upstairs again. All the while, every time I turn a corner another local jumps back at the sight of me.

I give the doctor the slip that says I paid, and he leads me back to the exam room.

Before I go, I hand Jaimie my iPod, so she won't get too bored while I'm gone.

"How does it work?" She asks. I forgot that nobody in China has ever seen an iPod yet. To save time, I simply put the songs on "Shuffle," hit play, and showed her the volume controls.

As I'm walking away, she says "I hope you die."

"Excuse me," I say.

She holds the iPod up to me. Sure enough, the first song to play was "I Hope You Die" by The Bloodhound Gang.

"Uh, yeah," I say, "It's a happy song." And promptly left the room.

Jaimie and the iPod

The exam was not the kind I was accustomed to. First I was told to look into a machine where a small picture moved in an out of my focus. I did this for each eye. Somehow, this was enough for the doctor to narrow down the general feild of my vision.

Next, I sat on a stool and faced a basic eye chart. The doctor placed a set of empty black frames on my face, then slid a series of lenses into place, asking me to read the smallest line I could.

When we finally settled on the right lenses he says, "Okay, now walk around with these on for about five minutes."

What? I thought. Is it 'Mess With The Guela' Day?

So, I head back to where Jaimie is waiting and I hand her my camera. "Take a picture of me," I say. With the lenses on, I can now clearly see her roll her eyes at me.

After she takes the picture, I sit down. The doctor sees me sitting and says, "No, you need to walk around. Go downstairs to the main doors, then come back."

Okay, I think, it is definately 'Mess With The Guela' Day.

Ten minutes later, the doctor is writing out a 'scrip for my new lenses.

Next was a trip across the street to what seemed to be the Chinese version of LensCrafters. When lookig over the contact lenses catalogue, I had another cultural hiccup.

"So these are 85 yuan per set?"

Jaimie talked to the sales woman, then turned back to me.

"No, they are 85 yuan for one."

"85 yuan for one lens?

"Yes."

"So, if I want so see out of both eyes, it's 170 yuan?"

"Yes."

"Hai ya," I said.

I managed to walk out of there with 3 months worth of contacts for only 200 yuan.

While waiting for the bus back home, Jaimie suddenly pipes up. "Why did you take a picture of the tree?"

"I told you, it looks cool."

"Really? It's just a tree."

"Yeah, to you. You've lived here all your life. I've never seen a tree like that before. Just wait till you get to America, you'll be taking pictures of everthing."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"You just took a picture of the sidewalk."

"I know."

And Now, The Local Weather...

2006-07-26T06:01:00.000+08:00

Well, monsoon season is finally over. And we all know what that means...

Typhoon Season!

Lord help me, I've gone native.

2006-07-16T01:30:00.000+08:00

What weird weather here. Rainy, rainy, rainy, hotter than a Carmen Electra bikini photo, then more rainy.

Monsoon season is almost over, so we've been getting a little more of the Carmen than the rainy. And that has made my previously mentioned problem of locating proper summer footwear that much more daunting. This is part of the reason I did something stupid the other day.

Now, before I get into detail about the "something stupid" I did, let me make one more point in my defense.

The roads here are very, very clean. I mean, really clean. The reason why has to do with Communist China's promise to it's people that it would provide free housing, clothing, and food to everyone that did their duty, e.i. had a job, and would also make sure that everyone in the country would have a job to do. A trend that our so-called "greatest country on earth" has yet to even consider.

Now, there are over 1.4 billion registered citizens in China, almost three times the population of the US. Take into acount the number of "un-restered" citizens, the estimation is almost tripple that. The difference between a "registered" and an "un-registered" citizen in China is a major part of the rest of the world's criticism toward China. But that subject is for another time.

With the Chinese government trying desperately to keep it's promise to have gainful and beneficial employment for 1.4 billion people, they've resorted to practices that have made them the butt of many jokes. First and foremost is their lack of industrial technology. Any task that can be done quickly, safely, and cheaply with the use of a machine, is instead done by as many people as they can possibly put to the task. The only time the incorporation of a machine is welcomed is if it is impossible to be done by human hands, such as melting plastic.

Roads and buildings are made to fall apart in only a matter of years, so people can be employed in their re-construction. Regulations are put in place that say a car is not allowed to be dirty in some city areas, thus employing thousands of car-washers at the city limits.

In the Chinese business managers that I have interacted with, there is much less bragging done in regards to sales numbers or profit margins, and more in the number of people they employ.

Among the jobs "created" in China, are the street sweepers. And, again, no giant machines involved here. In China, a person is assigned a set of square blocks, or streach of road, where they are to walk over and over, sweeping with bamboo brooms, and occasionally hosing off. The streets in China are very, very clean, because there are thousands of people wandering around making sure they are spotless at all times. That is their job.

So, two days ago, when I needed to get to the store, and it was so hot outside that I didn't want to put on my Herman Munster-ish boots, I came to the conclusion that it was perfectally safe to take the walk barefoot. After all, I had seen the locals do it all the time.

Now, this isn't the story of how I stepped on something sharp and had had to get a Chinese Tetnus shot. No, this is the story of how I forgot, and then was painfully reminded of what a Carmen Electra Hot day does to concrete sidewalks.

I tried running, that didn't help.

Upon my return, I dropped the groceries to the floor, yanked the ice tray from the freezer, and immediately applied it to the bottom of my feet (much to the disgust of my roommates).

The good news is, the burns were only First Degree, and I should recover with no scarring. The bad news is, since the burns are on the bottom of my feet, every step hurts now. I'm mentioning this in the hopes that, in knowing how much I am already paying for my mistake, that will quell any future "what are you, stupid?" emails I may be getting. I have learned my lesson, thank you. Please keep the snide comments to yourself.

Independence Day

2006-07-05T00:14:00.000+08:00

Ah yes, celebrating the Fourth Of July...in China. The office I'm moonlighting for is American owned, and so there was a Fourth of July barbeque.

Me, my roommates, the office owner, and about a dozen Chinese citizens.

As I have ceased to be a very patriotic person(since about the year 2000 or so, can't imagine why), it didn't strike me as much more than an excuse to get together with other people that didn't feel like working that day.

There was karaoke. There's always karaoke. For a nation that has a serious grudge against Japan, they are all about the karaoke.

Out of the blue, I was asked how I would be celebrating July 4th if I was still in the states.

"Fireworks," I said. "We like blowing things up in America."

They understood that. For the Chinese Independence Day, the entire country shuts down for a full week so they can set off fireworks 24/7.

But, they wanted more details. Specificly, what would I be doing if I were in the states right now.

I though about it.

"Well," I said, "I'd probably be alone in my appartment with a stack of DVD's, a 24-pack of Dr. Pepper, and a dozen frozen pizzas, doing everything humanly possible to never leave until the next morning."

They asked why.

I told them a little story. Last year, when I was in the states, I tried to do just that. But, I hadn't planned ahead enough, and ran out of soda. So, I was forced to go for a one block walk to a 7-11. In the space of that one block, I had firecrackers go off within 2 feet of me on 5 seperate occasions. Finally, on my way back, I was was witness to a 50-year-old man, fat enough to be a guest on Jerry Springer, shoot a bottle rocket into the open window of a moving car.

Now, when I told this story in the states, I would get a few rolled eyes and a couple of "Oh, that's just how people are" reactions.

However, after telling this story to my new Chinese friends, jaws hit the floor en masse. Because you see, in China, throwing firecrackers at strangers and shooting bottle-rockets at cars is considered a bad thing, and not a proper way to celebrate the anniversary of national freedom.

What a bunch of dirty commies.

Big Foot

2006-06-25T09:57:00.000+08:00

Walking Street Market

I may be wrong. It may not be called "Walking Street." That's just what my friends call it, since no motorized vehicles are allowed there. Or, it could very well be that it's actually called "Wa Kin Street," and I've chosen to misunderstand. Could be a hundred things. But, for now, we're going to assume I'm right.

It's something of a mall here. Rows upon rows of garage door shops. Some looking nicer than others. Most all selling "Factory Runoff." Runoff is the term for american products, made by Chinese factories, that were for some reason rejected by the American buyers. A lot of "Mickey Moose" T-shirts. Sorry I don't have more pictures, but I was having lighting problems.

As many of you know, I hate shopping. This was a bit different, though. It wasn't the usual rooting through bargain bins, fending off overzelous commissioned sales, or sitting on my keister waiting for someone else to try something on and spend 6 hours staring at themselves in the mirror deciding if they're going to buy it. Not that I'm harboring any residual angst, or anything.

This time, I was going shopping for the first time in a foreign and alien country, and damnit I need new shoes. It's in the 80's with 100% humidity, and all I've got are black boots. I'm in the market for some Chinese Nike's. The kind with both the Nike Swoosh and the Puma Logo on them. "Double Happiness Cool" as the locals say.

So, I knew this would be an adventure. Shoe shopping has always been a chore for me. Thanks to purveyant genetic traits of my father's family line, I have abnormally large feet. Not just for my height, but compared to the general populace at large as well. It's not as bad now as when I was a kid, but it still poses a bit of challenge.

As I found out that night, as far as China is concerned, my shoe size is not only a difficulty, but an unheard of impossibility.

By the time I hit the fourth shoe store, I didn't even bother looking at any of the shoes. I simply walked in and asked them to bring me the biggest shoes they had. I couldn't even squeeze into them.

After accepting defeat, we made our way back to the bus stop. On the way out, we stopped at a T-shirt shop and browsed for a moment. I could use some new shirts too.

I found something that suited me, and Sienna asked the shopkeeper how much the price was.

"150," the shopkeeper said. About 17 dollars. Not an unreasonable price considering...

Sienna frowned, feircely.

"150? Is that the guela price?" I don't know exactly what "guela" means, I just know that it's the Chinese racial slur for white people.

"Is very good quality," the shopkeeper said.

"Bullsh*t," Sienna said, not caring if the shopkeeper understood her or not. "I'll give you 30."

The shopkeeper tried again to stress the quality of the fabric.

Sienna tossed the shirt aside and turned away.

"Let's go," she said, "they're trying to rip us off."

We were barely five steps away when the shopkeeper ran up to us, shirt in hand.

"Okay, 30."

As we left with my new shirt, Sienna fumed the entire way out.

"The worst part about this," she says, "if we were locals, she would've started at 30 and I could've talked her down to 15."

Either way, I was ecstatic. The shirt would've cost me about $30 in the US. After the exhange rate, I just paid about 4 bucks.

To The Market

2006-06-02T23:07:00.000+08:00

Stafish soup is very popular.

Just a reminder, this is not the zoo. This is the local grocery store.

Your choice; BBQ Chicken Feet or Curry Chicken Feet.

Soggy

2006-05-22T17:27:00.000+08:00

It's monsoon season. Water has been falling from the sky at varying degrees of nonstop for the last three days. The sky is grey and is so thick with clouds that it feels like 6pm all day long. I must say, that as a native Northwesterner, I could not be happier with this kind of weather. The downside is that the resulting humidity in the air has left everything in the house, including myself, with a constant feeling of "slightly damp." Not to mention, the downpour does get pretty loud at night when I'm trying to sleep. In fact, last time I took the dog for a walk, it was coming down hard enough for me to actually begin rethinking my "Umbrellas are for wimps" philosophy.

Brave New Home

2006-05-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

I live in a very high class little community. The name of the place is pronounced something like "ky-anne." It's a resort area with brick driveways, condos, 4-star resturaunts, tennis courts, and a very prevolent golf course. The fact that this is a place meant mainly for golfers is made very clear by the gigantic ceramic golf ball in the middle of the road.

So, you must be asking yourself "How'd they let a guy like him in there?"

Simple, there are three very strict processes in order to be allowed into a high-class place such as this; 1) Show proof of income in excess of 4 times the rental agreement cost, 2) Personal invite from an already established resident, or 3) be white.

I think the one thing about the place that really got me laughing was not just that they have speakers hiding in bushes all over the complex, pumping out Easy Listening music all day...it's that on the day I arrived, they were playing a stomache churningly bad, elevator-music style version of Auld Lang Syne.

A Tip...

2006-05-11T21:42:00.000+08:00

Don't tip your waiter in China.

Shocking thing to hear me say, I know. But it's true.

Today, the gang and I had lunch at a very nice little cafe called Cornfield Coffee. That odd little misuse of english was only the begining. The menu listed their Fruit Juices as "Fish Juices," and on the coffee menu they offered a "Pot of Coffee With Cock." We spent about five minutes trying to guess what they really meant by that before theorizing the possibility that it was not a mistake, and what horrors that would entail.

Well, after moving off of the entertainment that was self-contained in the menu, we were repeatedly delighted by the quality of service, presentation, and attitude among the staff. The place was marginally full, but we never had to wait long for a single thing. Coffee cups, soda glasses, and water glasses were refilled before we even realized they were empty. The food arrived within minutes and was of a quality that I had never even dreamed of in my life. The coup de gras was a dish of Pork Chop Fried Rice wrapped in Lotus Leaf. An expensive dish at 60 Yuan (about 8 Dollars), but worth every jiao(dime).

At the end of the meal, we paid up the bill and prepared to leave. I noticed that we weren't leaving a tip. I asked my hosts what the heck the deal was. They explained to me that in China, leaving a tip is not considered a reward, it's considered charity. And, offering someone charity is an insult.

Look at it this way, when you say "Thank you" to someone in China, they're way of saying "Your welcome" translates literally to "It is my duty." In China, your job, no matter how menial, is your duty to your country and your people. They take pride in their job and their role in making China a great place for Chinese people to live. When you give someone a tip, it is seen as a way of telling them "You need this more than I do, because you're not very good at your job."

This infuriated me. It's not that I'm mad that I can't waste money on overtipping like I did back in The States. It's that here, I don't know any other way to show my appreciation. I don't know enough Chinese yet to wax poetic on the talent and skill of the girl that brought me my chopsticks. They aren't very big on touching here either, so handshakes and hugs are also out of the question. How else am I to display my gratitude if I can't leave a gratuity?

So, as soon as I got home, I began looking up translations for phrases like "Excellent," "The Best," and "Better Than Sex."

Not that any of it will do me any good since I'm currently residing in a town with a notoriously obscure dialect.

First Impressions

2006-05-02T04:13:00.000+08:00

I arrived in Guanzhou after a 16+ hour flight. I was bit nervous as I approached customs. As the plane landed, the stewardesses handed us all little declaration cards that listed off all of the items that were not allowed past the international border.

Of course, I wasn't at all worried until I got to the part about "literary or visual material that is considered detrimental to the social, political, or ecinomic stability of The People's Republic." Loosly translates to "anything we don't like, white boy." That was when I remembered the book on Krishna I had gotten from the missionary at the airport. I had accepted it because I had always been a little curious about what these dancing bald weirdos were about. And now, I'm bringing religious literature into a country that has become famous for it's anti-religous standing. Brilliant. And no one on the plane will tell me what the cantonese word for "agnostic" is. So, yes, I'm a bit worried now.

Then it occurs to me, I'm also carrying a copy of "The Four Noble Truths" by the Dahli Lama. Now I'm really worried.

So, I do the only rational thing I can think of. I calmy check the box next to "Nothing To Declare."

After the plane landed, I handed the card to the customs official who simply nods and waves me through. No big deal. I was worried over nothing.

Once on Chinese soil I am instantly surrounded by a bunch of young chinese men who use broken english to try and sell me phone cards, used cell phones, taxi rides, guided tours, etc. I wave them all off and make my way to the spot Andy told me to meet him at.

As I waited for Andy, I couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of people staring at me. A couple of cops walked by and gave me the eyeball, but they didn't bother me. The most reaction I got was from the children. As small children passed me by, they would stare at me like I had antlers growing out of my head. The ones that were old enough to talk would point at me and jabber something at their parents.

Once Andy met up with me, we took a bus ride from Guangzhou to my new home in Zhongshan. We caught up on all the latest personal news, and then moved on to national news. As I'm sure you've guessed, the news about China as heard in the US is different from the news heard inside China's borders. As I told him about the talks between Bush and the President of China concerning the economy of China, Andy laughted and told me that China would never open up to full world trade.

I asked him to elaborate.

As the bus made it's way through downtown Guangzhou, Andy pointed out a large building to me in the distance. "Perfect example," he says, "Take a look at that building there."

I look it over. The archetecture is bold and beutiful, but it is obviously unfinished. The sky-high crane stood at attention next to the building.

"What about it?" I ask.

"They started on that building about two years ago. The development company took out a loan from the Bank Of China for 500 million U.S. dollars. They got this far in the building before the manager in charge of money went down to Macau and gambled the entire budget away. After that, he went to the top of the building and jumped. Now, there's no money to finish it and the Bank Of China will not sell it."

"Why not?"

"If they try to sell it, or finish the building, or do anything at all with that building, it will require a re-appraisal. Currently, the value of that building is on record as $500 million. If anyone touches that building, it would come out as being worth less, and the bank loses it's value on the loan. So long as the recorded value of that building stays at $500 million, the Bank of China gets to mark it as such in their holdings. The entire chinese economy is based on the Bank of China. There are dozens of buildings like that in Guangzhou. Thousands in all of China. If the WTO ever comes through here, China's economy will implode."

Here's the funny thing, this is exactly what Enron did. They would set up a project, like an oil refinery in India, and place it's value at not only it's basic real estate and equipment value, but also at the estimated amount of profit that it is suppose to make within the next ten years. Then, when unforseen problems arise, such as a radical change in India's government, they abandon the unfinished refinary, and keep it's over inflated value on the books as a "holding."

The difference; Enron got caught and had to pay the piper. China answers to no one. And so long as they continue dancing around the international trade subject with everyone else in the world, they never will.

This is my new home. I'm tickled pink.